Afraid of the Finish

2.5 months later...

And writing is still hard. But I've done it. I have written nearly 30K in this time. And despite the bears scaring the hell out of M and me in Massanutten, despite being distracted, despite my crit group tearing up what I wrote and having visceral reactions to my hero and heroine, despite fear over my finances and job prospects, despite all this. I kept writing.

And now, dark moment idea'd but not perfectly formed, I am in the home stretch and I am finding it so difficult. I mean, wow. Time for a whinge because I am not racing towards that end. I am not seeing it and thinking, Yahoo! I am a novelist! I am a finisher!! Instead, I am thinking, a handful of scenes from the end, why am I doing this and what is the point and why finish it.

oh. hell.

I recently put a post up on my other blog ( http://rockville8.blogspot.com/2010/05/on-becoming-finisher.html ) about becoming a finisher. That the only sure-fire way to getting published was finishing the novel. And now that I am within spit of it, I am slowing down. I am gazing at it. I am looking at the finish line and the prize and wondering, really, is it worth it? I am so ready for the snide comments, for the dismissal, for the "so what? wait til you've finished the 20th" that I am not wanting to keep going.

Suddenly, I am afraid. Really afraid. I mean, I've gotten over the hump of telling people I write Romance and want to publish with Harlequin Presents. I'm telling everyone. No matter how much I respect them, no matter how long I've known them - or in what context, no matter how much money they make or how successful they are. I am telling them that yes, I am writing a romance novel. A Presents. White cover with a circular illustration.

And you know what? Everyone, everyone, even if they have never read a romance, tells me, great and congrats and I'll read yours when it's published. So why why why am I so afraid of this finish line? Why am I so afraid of completing this project? Why am I such a yella-bellied scaredy-cat?